Daughter and mother: nude

Those words, that deeply familiar voice... I cannot help the tears. They are silent tears, through which I see her image distorted.

Her voice is reserved,  cold almost. Oh...

"My dear Johanna, do cry. It helps. I know, as I have cried amply in the weeks since you disappeared. I am dry now. I have imagined the very worst - your death.

"Your company called me a few days after you stopped reporting to work. Since then the police have been on the case and interviewed anyone you could imagine - me, your ex-husband and many more - all in vain. No trace of you, no sign of kidnappers, no demands made, no picture postcards, no suicide note.

"Believe me, I have wrecked my brain about what could have been done to you and who could have done it. But I also thought about what you could have done yourself. The great and hardworking woman you are, I know you are capable of throwing it all away.

"Don't look at me like that! I know you are!

She is silent now, tensely seated forward on the seat of an ornate easy chair, and looks at me, eyes ablaze. I still stand, with my back against the door which I just have closed. We are alone. (I do not think that anyone could be watching.) I am once again my mother's naughty daughter. Then the fire in her eyes diminishes, and her gaze turns inward and her eyes to the floor. Minutes pass during which I stand there and see two tears develop on my mother's cheeks.

She slowly stands up and walks up to me. She kisses me on both cheeks and embraces me. I feel her old arms grab me with all the force she can muster. An eternity later, she lets go and sits down again.

"Johanna." A sigh this time.

She then retakes herself.

"I will pour us a tea. You'll need it and so do I."

I have not yet said a word. She now looks expectantly at me.

"Now, do finally sit down opposite me and talk to me, Johanna! You'll have to eventually."

I clear my throat and say,

"I love you, Mum. Very much."

"Dear, I love you too.

"Now, what else...?"

I shout suddenly. "Mum, I was abducted! They have prepared this carefully, waited and done it. They have annihilated me! I no longer exist in the world." After crying these words out I end in tears again.

There are new tears in my mother's eyes too, but she manages to control her voice.

"Yes, darling, they have told me so. Their initial letter said so much. It also said that I could take this letter to the police, if I wanted. The effect would likely be that they would not find you in the first place and even if they did, they would not find you alive. The letter included a ticket to Singapore, where I was awaited by a Chinese man who then took me here. I have been staying here for seven days now. I have been shown around by a Western gentleman. A true gentleman, but I was also sure that he was the one keeping you. He did not mention you until this morning. I guess either of us knew of the other that he or she was playing the fool. I was trying to play the wise old fool, even when I wanted to fly at him!

"That man, that true old-fashioned gentleman, this morning at breakfast told me that he owned you now. I protested violently and said that he could not own you and how did he dare suggest this to the mother who has borne you. He then said the most astonishing thing: that you wanted it so, that you wanted to be owned at least as much as he wanted to own you!

"My child, tell me he was wrong. Whatever you do, whether you decide to stay or leave, if you have that choice - and he told me you did, that you could travel back with me if you decided... If you decide to stay, tell me you do not allow him to own you!"

Her eyes are fiery again and she reaches over the table, holds me by both wrists and shakes them.

"Mum, oh, mum... I will stay here. That is all I know. I don't know why."

"Child, listen to your mother. You have been brainwashed. Don't you realise this, you clever girl? Even if you truely want to stay, you'll get bored soon enough. What would you do here? What is here for you?

"Is it that man? Are you in love with him? Dear, that is important... I'd be happy for you. He has personality.

"But don't forget your senses. You are not meant for love alone."

"Mum... You are not wrong. All the things you have said are right, but they also miss the point. I am not in love with him. Yet he holds me in his grip as if I were. And do I want to stay  or rather don't I want to go back?

"I have been here - I don't know - three weeks? Two months? I have no way of telling. I have been brainwashed, certainly, but not drugged. I am in sober mind. I know I can't go back to my old life.

"I feel like... I feel like a nun who finds herself dedicated to her Lord! Call it obsession, call it love, call it transcendence... To her true self..."

She looks at me in despair.

It is I now that takes my turn and pour us a cup of tea. We drink silently.

Could we possibly admire the exotic splendour of the room? I have not been here. It is gold details, red leather, black lacquer that dazzle me. It is the inlays on the cupboards - stylised love scenes, pavillions, waterfalls, flowing branches and leaves of willow trees. The golden light from above makes this room positively enchanted. I only notice now, when the first shock of seeing my mother has been overcome. And it gives me courage to do what I need to do.

"Mother. I owe you my life. I love you. But it is mine now.

"I cannot explain what change I have made. True, I was forced to by that man and the organisation that brought me to him. But I have accepted the challenge, for that is what it is. Yes, he owns me now. This sounds terrible and Lord knows it is not easy. But this part of my life I will live to his will and his alone. I shake even saying these words. My logical mind protests like you have just done. But my soul has accepted.

"Let me explain it like this. Until now, my mind controlled me and the body followed. From now on, it is the other way around. He has captured my body and has overcome the mind. I am principally a body now.

"I am a body. My function is to serve and be consumated. I am shameless. I am sex. It is simple.

"I am sorry. I must disappoint you. Yet, I am sane and I love you. And I want you to love me."

"Child...!"

"Hush... I must disappoint you. Don't deny it."

I need to take control. I stand up and move to the centre of the room.

"Ma. L:ook at me! You must see the difference. I have changed in ways that you can see.  Undress me and see me like I have been for as long as I have been here."

She remains seated and hides her head in her hands. I pity her and feel very selfish for doing this to the old lady. I DO disappoint her. Has she really seen me? Does she know about my hair? Why, oh why have I been put in this position? Why must I be like this. Yet I must! I must!

Oh, mother... She gets up!

She is in front of me, emotionless and not looking me in the eye. Oh, is this just coping or condemnation? There, one, two, three, four, five buttons and the jacket is open, one, two, the clamps released, the jacket off one shoulder and the next and my torso is bare. She does not study it, places the jacket on a chair, unzips the skirt and put it away. My glorious nude body, devoid of any hair, not seen by her for decades, is undeniable there. Now she looks me in the eye and says, "I know, Johanna, I know!" With those words she reaches up and with one firm tug removes what was once my hair.

"Johanna, I said that man has not talked about you, but he has exhibited you to me in your room a number of times during my time here. I had to guess it was you and saw your sadly changed shape, I have seen you debase yourself and be debased. And I have cried and cried and cried.

And now I need to go," and she walked towards the door.

"Mum! Don't go! There is one thing of the old world that I desparately need. You!

"You must stay."

Now is she that cries! I am shocked.

"Johanna. Your wish has been granted already! Here, have a look at what that man showed me last night!"

She digs into her handbag and hands me a small newspaper clipping. It is her obituary notice. Oh! My name as her sole daughter is printed underneath, with a cross behind it. Deceased!

"Like you, I have been eradicated. My house is up for sale, the content is being shipped here, lock, stock and barrel, he said. I will not be treated like you, but am invited, bah... compelled to stay.

He said that he'd consider that we, you and I, could possibly leave, if you'd insist. Only then."

"Mother..."

"Johanna, you hold the key. Let me know, today, tomorrow or in a year's time, should you ever decide to go... Tell me rather when he should as a result of your decision or of his own accord ever have decided to send us away.

And now I will undress too, whether he likes it or not. Let him see what you will become in time."

For the first time since she used to bathe with me until I was 6 or 7 I see her naked, her curves gone, her breasts flat, her skin pale and wrinkled, ever hair grey. She casts her clothes and underwear in the far corner, in a defiant stance.

to be continued

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